Belief Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of my post series where I am sharing about my experiences with belief and faith starting when I was young and ending with where I am today.

If you missed Part 1, you can read it here and if you missed Part 2 you can read it here.

Thank you for coming along for the journey.

CW: If you have church, faith, or any kind of relationship trauma or abuse, please approach with caution, take breaks, or don’t read my posts at all.

Sometimes reading other people’s stories can help us heal and feel not-so-alone in our experiences, and other times we need to take a break from all the things that open us back up and bring the feeling back to the surface. Check in with yourself as you read. <3

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Churches love the “lost and broken”. They talk about it all the time. It’s not a secret. They actually go out on missions to find the lost and broken and bring them to church.

But, in my experience, they especially love when the lost and broken just so happens to be young and single.

Church people are obsessed with marriage*.

*To be clear, they are more obsessed with gay marriage than hetero marriage, but not in a fun way.

You know how in cartoons there will be this character that is so hungry they will look at their friend and see them as a pork chop or roasted turkey?

That’s kinda how I felt shortly after becoming a church person.

“Sooooo, do you have a boyfriend? Oh GOOD! Come with me! I have someone I want to introduce you to…” (Rinse and repeat)

One big issue was, I wasn’t attracted to anyone at my church.

Another big issue was, the guys I dated that weren’t a part of my church (most of them not a part of any church, had no beliefs, or were a totally different religion altogether) would tend to lose interest when the conversation inevitably lead to me being a Christian church person and ministry leader whose entire life revolved around church and God-things.

It wasn’t so much that I believed in God and went to church that tended to freak them out.

It was the all-consuming nature of my relationship with church.

But one day, a new single man arrived at church.

Well, he came back. I guess he had been a part of the church before and had returned, just like the prodigal son. At first I was relieved because he became the new pork chop. Every single-lady was eyeing him and every match maker was busy trying to make matches.

I think we all know what happened though, don’t we?

It didn’t take long for everyone to decide he and I would be the two cutest pork chops ever.

And it worked. The church people got us together. They were so happy because every church dreams of couples meeting amongst their pews, getting married, and bringing all their babies to the church. A steady flow of pork chops.

It’s great for business! If other young, single Christians hear your church has young, single Christians, it’s money in the bag.

Will tithe for Jesus-approved love matches!

But, it turns out, we weren’t exactly “Jesus approved”. We skipped to some of the parts of being a couple that Church people say is “only for marriage” and the people…they weren’t happy.

One day I got a call on my cell at work. It was the pastor’s wife, who had previously called me exactly zero times throughout my years of being a part of the church. I picked up immediately thinking something must have happened to my brother.

“Hey Katie, it’s C. I need to talk to you about something urgent, do you have time?”

I didn't, but I made time. I snuck into an empty office, shut the door, and told her to go ahead.

“Pastor C and I just got done talking and he asked me to call you because he thought it would be more appropriate. I want to talk to you about you and P.”

I wasn’t sure what she was going to say next, but I was getting kinda exciting thinking it was likely about a leadership opportunity for us to do as a couple.

“P confessed to Pastor C this morning. About you two and what you’ve done.”

I was confused. “Confessed to what?” I asked.

“He admitted you two have been intimate and you had told him it had to be kept a secret. And this secret he’s been keeping for you has been eating him up inside and he told Pastor C in their weekly meeting he was feeling like he was going to end up going back to his old life of addiction because of it. Katie, you’ve heard his beautiful testimony. Of how he has been miraculously healed from sex, drug, and alcohol addiction. You know this is a weakness for him and we are disappointed you have tempted him in this way.”

Y’all.

“Tempted? Me? What? How?” (I know, so eloquent)

“Katie, we women have to understand the power we have. Our beauty tempts men and we just have to do our part in not encouraging them to sin.”

Ok. Now I was mad.

Not only had she never talked to me one on one and really gotten to know me, but now she was calling to shame me? And these weekly meetings P had with the Pastor? I had never had that kind of access to the Pastor or any church leader. I had asked for meetings to ask questions I had, get direction in life, and have more support, but I was always told it wasn’t appropriate for me to meet alone with the Pastor.

I guess P wasn’t seen as a temptation risk like I was.

Not to mention, her reasoning sounded a lot like the kind of stuff K would say to me when he abused me. "You shouldn’t have made me mad if you didn’t want me to blow up like that.” “You shouldn’t have said something stupid if you didn’t want me to call you stupid.” “You should have just gotten out of the truck when I told you to if you didn’t want me to throw you out of it.”

“Listen, C. I don’t understand why P is doing this and saying all this to you all and making it seem like I have tempted him in some way and he is somehow a victim, but he and I decided this together. And honestly, it’s none of your business. I thought something happened to my brother and that is why I took your call, but I am at work and I don’t want to ever talk about this again.”

When I finally talked to P that evening he did the same thing to me that she did. He tried to twist things into being my fault. He told me I should have known not kiss him and touch him so much because it would lead to something we shouldn’t be doing.

“But you kissed me first. You touched me first. I mean, I wanted you to, but…How is this my fault?”

P tried to tell me I needed to ask for forgiveness from God with him and that we should pray together and then never do “it” again.

So he came to my house. And we prayed for forgiveness.

And the next thing I knew, he was carrying me into the bedroom.

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Our little fling didn’t last much longer after our night of praying for forgiveness and then sinning the night away.

Because I knew.

I finally saw what was happening.

I didn’t understand why it was happening but I knew.

I was being mistreated.

By P and by the church leadership.

I knew I was being blamed and my only crime was, it seemed, merely being an attractive woman in close proximity to a man who couldn’t control himself around my woman body and woman parts.

I was told I had the power of God when I became a new person in Jesus. I was told I could use that power to heal myself and others, overcome stress and worry, and defeat the Darkness.

I was told I could use that power to have self control.

So, why didn’t men like P get the same deal?

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After P, I didn’t want to date anyone in church. But there was no end to the suitors in my church who still came calling.

Even being married already didn’t seem to be an obstacle to high for these dudes.

I was naive at first but eventually I realized that this married man who had been private messaging me on Facebook for quite a long time to “mentor me” wasn’t just being a “supportive church leader”.

He was flirting with me.

“I heard you and P broke up. I’m sorry to hear that. Any man would be lucky to be with you. You are so beautiful and you are such an amazing woman of God. You have a true gift. If I was your age I would date you in a heartbeat. But I’m probably too old for you, aren’t I?”

The man had a million kids and a wife and he was on FB trying to get tempted by me.

“I loved seeing you get baptized today. So beautiful”

I bet he did.

“I wish I had met you before I got married. My wife and I have so many problems.”

I bet you do.

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And so the facade continued to crumble.

The God I was falling in love with was becoming harder and harder to find amongst the church people I spent so much time with.

I would look at my brother and his wife and I would see two people who seemed to know the same God I was getting to know, but then I would look around the church and see so many people, especially the leaders, who were not only teaching and preaching things that weren’t just against the teachings of Jesus, but were actually quite harmful.

“Let me tell you a story about a man a friend of mine knew. This man had a bike but he needed a car to get to work. One day he saw a man who needed a bike, so he gave away his bike and walked to work. But then he entered a contest and won a new car! But then he met a family who needed it more than him. So he gave them his car. And guess what. Not long after he was given a brand-new truck! He gave away the truck and got a bus. He gave away the bus and got a jet. The is the way we should tithe and give. Be the widow who gave her last penny. Be the person to give it all away so you can get rewards from Jesus….”

I stopped tithing.

“Let me tell you a story about a woman who used to come to this church. Her husband was mean to her. Never said he loved her. Never showed her affection. He was a real grump. But this woman came to this church every Sunday without him and prayed in faith to God to change her husband and heal their marriage. For years and years she did this faithfully even though nothing seemed to be changing. After 20 years, her prayers were answered. Her husband had a miraculous encounter with Jesus and completely changed. He started to love and respect his wife and show her attention. And this is why we stay faithful in what the Lord has promised us. We don’t give us. We keep praying and waiting for God’s timing. We trust in God’s will.”

Then I stopped coming to church.

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It was wild. When I stopped coming to church I didn’t tell anyone I was going to stop. I just stopped. I didn’t say goodbye or have a meeting with anyone.

I was a church leader.

But no one in leadership reached out to me to find out why I left or where I was. Or if I was okay.

I didn’t go to any church for a few months, but then I found a church that was one quick bus stop away and started to go there. I loved that bus ride up Wisconsin Ave, just past the Washington National Cathedral.

After a few months of going there…

“Let me tell you a story about a friend of a friend who only had a bike…”

Then I decided to try another church some friends of mine went to.

But they were all the same.

They were all exclusive and the “best church” and the most right. They all believed the same things. It might take awhile to get down to the nitty gritty of it but every church I went to ultimately required assimilation and sameness the longer you stayed.

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I was lucky because when I would leave a church and lose almost all my friends from that church in an instant (shout out to the real ones who stayed in contact! I love you!), I always had my core friend group. My best friend, W, was Muslim, and my other close friends were Hindu, Catholic, Sikh, Atheist, and Buddhist. We were a merry gang of fun-loving folks who instead of having our religious beliefs as the basis for our friendship, connected on our shared values of inclusion, love of diversity, dancing, and exploring DC’s food scene together.

I didn’t grow up in church so throughout my life, my friend groups have been a mix of various beliefs. genders, orientations, and backgrounds - even in WV where diversity is hard to come by. I have always been attracted to the misfits, rejects, rebels, and marginalized.

And that is because I, myself, am a misfit reject rebel.

And while I did work hard to assimilate and be the same as everyone else as a survival mechanism many times throughout my life, I was only able to go so far for so long before I would rebel against the vice placed around me.

The box that got too tight.

I mean, what originally attracted me to God was the freedom.

I could come as I was - misfit and all - and I could be free to be myself without fear of being rejected or forced to assimilate.

Growing into a better version of myself and healing from the hurts and mistakes of my past is not assimilation. We should all be becoming better version ourselves as time passes. Healthy growth and change is something we have to choose and is not something that can be forced upon us no matter if we need to change or not.

Unhealthy church culture does not depend on freedom in God to draw people to choose personal growth and betterment.

Unhealthy church culture utilizes forced assimilation.

And that is because church culture has become a system to be managed as opposed to being the living, breathing Body of Christ as intended.

Church culture is in many ways, like a business.

My personal experience with God at that time was so different from what church culture told me I had to do or believe in order to continue to be approved of and accepted.

I was being “managed”.

And I don’t take kindly to being “managed”.

When I turned 30, I decided it was time to leave DC and come back to WV. To my Mountain Mama and my actual mama.

I needed a reset in my life.

If all the churches were the same there, then I would just keep looking until I found one that was doing something different. One who was “doing it right”.

I blogged about feeling called by God to quit my job in DC and come back to WV and wait, in faith, for my next steps.

These posts caught the eye of another Christian Blogger.

And he and I have been married for 11 years now…

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Stay tuned for Part 4! Thank you for reading.