Hard Days
Yesterday was a hard day. Today is also a hard day. When I woke up yesterday, things were fine. And then the next moment they just didn’t feel fine anymore.
I didn’t see it coming or understand why it was happening.
Nothing obvious had happened.
This is one of the parts of being neurodivergent that is hardest for me. Understanding my own mind and body.
I don’t always know when I am getting overwhelmed, doing too much, or am in need of more quiet time. Understanding what I am feeling, regulating my emotions, and knowing what I need when I am feeling overwhelmed is not intuitive or easy for me, but I have worked hard over the years to learn what my body and mind are trying to tell me.
The first thing I noticed this weekend was I was being inpatient and short with my kids. Okay, MORE inpatient and short.
Every. Single. Last. Noise. had my mind and body on edge.
“Who is breathing so loud? I can hear someone breathing really loudly? Why? Whyyyyyy?!”
Then I realized I was feeling kinda down and numb.
Well, I realized it after Izzy caught me having a moment of ennui and said, “Mom, why are you staring at the wall? There’s nothing there to stare at.”
When I have sudden shifts in how I am feeling or functioning without any obvious cause, I have learned to check the app I use to track my menstrual cycle. I have PMDD (a more severe form of PMS which is common in neurodivergent women) and when I am about 7-10 days from starting my period I tend to have mood drops, pretty serious fatigue, and random body pains.
Some months are better than others, but I almost always experience the mood drop.
FUN!!!!!
“Why do I hate everything!? Oh yeah, MY OVARIES! THANKS HORMONES!”
So I checked my app this weekend and lo and behold, I am about a week away from starting my period.
PROBLEM SOLVED EVERYONE!
Except, not really.
As GI Joe so eloquently taught me when I was a kid: Knowing is only half the battle.
Even if I know I am staring numbly at the wall and trying to get everyone to stop breathing so close to me all because of PMS, it doesn’t mean I feel all better.
Once I realize what might be effecting me, I have to take steps to support myself, give my body and mind what they need, let my family know my grumpy mood isn’t their fault, and then tell them all what I need.
I have been practicing communicating with the kids what I am feeling and what I need even if they can’t necessarily do anything differently or “help” me.
For example, my kids are also neurodivergent and many of the ways they stim (do repetitive things in order to calm the body and mind) involve noises. They hum or sing a lot. They also talk out loud to themselves when they are playing alone. They will even parallel play (playing individually but near each other) and each of them be talking out loud to themselves.
Both of them love talking about their special interests, many of which they share. They will also fight loudly with each other over every single thing - especially when one gets annoyed with what the other is doing to stim and relax.
It’s just…they talk a lot. Just…so much talking.
(If my mom is reading this…and she is…she will now be saying to herself…”Hmmm, I remember a little girl who talked all the time too…!”)
On top of the vocal stimming, they are overall more sensory seekers than sensory avoiders. While they also have sensory issues involving noise and tend to get annoyed by each others stimming needs and the loud cafeteria at school, they are not at all bothered by their own noise. They love to bang and crash. Jump, climb, run, fall, CLIMB, wrestle, jump, and CLIMB!
When I come upstairs with a wild look in my eye saying, “Would you PLEASE stop being so LOUD?!” for the twentieth time they look at me genuinely confused as to what “loudness” I am talking about each and every time.
They just…don't hear it.
That said, Noey needs to wear noise blocking headphones at school because of noise, including, and I quote, “The kids breathing too loudly next to me in class.”
Sometimes they are so very much like me.
Basically what I am trying to tell you is our house is loud and crazy and I spend 50% of my time trying, unsuccessfully, to shush them and the other 50% wearing earplugs.
So back to yesterday. Once I realized I had PMS and their noise was driving me to the brink of madness, I said (or maybe loudly exclaimed?!): “Okay, Mommy is feeling overwhelmed by sounds right now and I need way more quiet. You know how you all feel when sounds are bothering you? You know how it makes you feel angry and upset? That’s how I am feeling. I’m being angry and upset towards you but it’s not your fault that sounds are bothering me. So I am going to put in some ear plugs and go in my room. If you need me, just come in. But please don’t need me. I love you. Bye.”
And most of the time when I tell them I need space from noise, they do their best to give it to me. Within reason. I want my kids to be able to play in our house and make the normal kid noises without feeling like they have to tiptoe around in order to not “anger mommy”.
But I also think it is important for them to learn that everyone has limits whether they are neurodivergent or not and that having healthy boundaries and expressing our needs is an important part of having healthy, authentic relationships where we work to meet each others needs in healthy ways.
There are things I can do to alleviate my PMS symptoms and I am doing those things, but there is also a healthy level of acceptance that allows me to not feel bad or broken for needing more space or rest or a nice venting sesh with T while I’m feeling this way.
Every parent can relate to this post in one way or another whether they are neurodivergent or not because sharing space with other humans, especially of the child variety, is super challenging at times. We all have our own limits. Some of us have shorter fuses than others. I, myself, have a very short fuse. So I do my best to realize once it is lit and do what I can to avoid exploding.
It’s okay to take breaks, be honest about your feelings and needs, ask for help, and set healthy boundaries and limits with the people in our lives. The earlier we can identify what is bothering us, the more likely we are to be able deal with it before it sends us over the edge.
Here are some questions to ask yourself in order to discover what your sensory needs are:
What sounds or sensations am I sensitive to and what does my body and mind feel like when I am being overwhelmed by these sounds or sensations?
Do I prefer background noise when doing tasks in order to stay focused or do I need silence? If I need background noise do I prefer music or ambient sound?
Do I prefer bright lighting or soft lighting? Does one or the other help me relax or invigorate me?
Do I like to be touched? If so, do I prefer soft touches or touches with more pressure? How do I know when a touch feels good to me or doesn’t? How does my body and mind react?
What kind of clothes do I feel most comfortable in? Tight or loose clothing? Does the material matter?
Am I sensitive to certain scents or fragrances? Do I prefer strong or light smells? What kinds of smells help me feel relaxed? What kinds of smells help me feel awake and motivated?
When it comes to eating, do I have certain foods I prefer and ones I don’t prefer at all? Do I have a preference when it comes to food that is hot, cold, warm? What are the textures and taste profiles I prefer and which ones I do not?
These are just a few things to think about when working on discovering what kinds of things fill you up sensory wise and what kinds of things drain your energy.
All humans process the sensory experiences around us and all humans have their preferences when it comes to sensory input. What sets neurodivergent folks apart is the degree to which our sensory needs and issues affect our daily life and our well-being and how frequently we are effected. Neurodivergent folks are just overall different when it comes to our sensory experiences of the world.
When humans of all neurological makeups have several things throughout our days that make us feel uncomfortable or irritated those things can add up until we feel overwhelmed or upset. Knowing how to navigate or avoid the sensory experiences of the world that are challenging for us and seeking the sensory experiences that bring comfort, joy, rest, and pleasure to our lives is helpful for anyone regardless of your neurological makeup.
The more we know about ourselves and the more we advocate for what we need, the more content and fulfilled we will be.
I have lived so many years of my life pushing myself through sensory and emotional overload in order to fit in and please others and all it got me was this lousy anxiety disorder. I was embarrassed about how easily overwhelmed I would become over things that other people didn’t seem to be bothered by so I just hid it and pushed myself through.
But, the good new is, my hard days are less hard now that I know more about myself and my needs. It doesn’t mean there are no more hard days. It just means I don’t blame myself for them anymore. I don’t push myself in unhealthy ways anymore.
I hope the same for all of you.
Of course your mom is reading this. I’m sure most moms have experienced occasional days like this. We are so glad you have discovered how to dig your way out. We are glad you are sharing with others. This helps people who are neurodivergent and those who are not.